disconnected

Here is the thing with social media: you can be too connected. You get those news you don't want to hear, you get those gossips you don't want to know, you hear people complaining their life you don't even care.

For these couple years, I have had to try blending in with people - especially at work -, so I got myself into some chat groups. It was initially for informational purpose, but it's changed when people involved in the group got personal attachment to each other. It turns into something I don't fancy: public diary of complaining, achievement, gossips, etc etc etc. People start complaining their problem, complaining their job, complaining their earnings, complaining their mom-to-be problems, complaining almost everything. Too much negativity in a pond of words.

At the end of 2016, something personal happened to me that I start to wonder why I have the needs to be connected. I don't really find anything important. In fact, I find myself longing for personal direct conversation and interaction. I find that most interaction in those chat groups were meaningless and purposeless.

Then, I started to withdraw myself from any conversation there.

It feels good to be disconnected. It feels good choosing not to involved in any meaningless connection. It feels good to not care about what people complaining about, and it feels good to really ignoring things you don't like.

Disconnected doesn't merely mean that one should shut the world. It's just about considering with whom you really want to be connected, how you want to be connected, and what is the meaning of being connected.

what could happen in a year?

On my last post in 2014, I said that I was pretty scared with changes, the walk-the-line-alone thing, and um, comfort zone. Well, what had happened in a year?

Since that post, I figured that I have to take a first step to adulthood: get a job. Scary thing, for sure. Well, my plan to get a school in UK had been beautifully ruined (by myself), and I gotta find another plan. So, on September, there was this job vacancy as a lecturer. I bet my life on this chance. Long story short, I got that job. So now, here I am. A lecturer.

Let's put a check on get-a-job box.

Starting a job was scary. I have no idea what working looks like. I've never been on any real job before. And my friends, those I expected to stand with me, they have their own struggle so I have no one to talk about this except my parents and my bf. So here what it looks like on my first weeks: no friend, no partner, no idea what I should do while I had to quickly adapt to new environment, new schedule, and new people to work with. It was hard as hell.

Well, rainbow will come after the rain. Day by day, I learnt a lot of things and I found that this job is actually fun and exciting. And the people I work with? They are all special, which only make this job just get better.

Enough with the job stuff.

Friends? Still in touch. A bit different since we've got less similar things to share or to talk about. Job is not an interesting topic. Life? Not anything you expected after a long day at work. Love? Haha. What is there to talk about?

That's how it has been. And that's okay. Friends aren't those you expected to talk or see every day. But you know they'll be there for you when you really need them, for better or for worse. I treasure every time I had with them those few years back. I will always treasure them in my life.

Here's where The Beatles' In My Life played in the background..

So, in a year. What had happened? Changes. They happened.

And life. It happened too.

walk the talk

it is easy when you and your friend talk about how you imagine your future will be. you may have this big picture in your head about where you see yourself in the next 5 years. maybe you're planning to study in UK while your best friend think about study in Japan or work in Netherland. then, in the next 5 years all of you have this little family and a great life.

but, have you ever tried to walk the talk?

i'm facing it now. this is pretty scary, actually, and not as easy as the talk. i know that in a couple of months, i and my best friends are gonna go in different paths. take our own journey, walk our own line, living our own dream. it scares me to think that maybe i'm gonna be all alone along the journey. without my best friends -- those i'm imagining my future with.

to be honest, i've been too long in this comfort zone: feeling safe around them, taking less risk, playing an easy game, and not taking myself seriously because i know i'm gonna be okay as long as they're with me. now that farewell is inevitable and coming closer as i count down the days, i have to be ready when the time is coming for me to stand on my own feet.

just like they said: to make your dreams come true, you have to wake up.

they said...

Aren't you tired playing the same game?

No, I'm not.

film paling serem

sebagai anak gaul tahun 90an, salah satu film yang paling memorable buat saya adalah Jurassic Park: The Lost World. film ini juga yang bikin saya jatuh cinta buat nonton di bioskop.

nah, apa yang paling saya ingat dari film ini?

1. Jeff Goldblum pernah jadi profil utama di majalah Bobo waktu lagi hot-hotnya film ini. otomatis beliau jadi salah satu aktor kesayangan saya waktu masih kecil. yah, selain Macaulay Culkin.

2. adegan kejar-kejaran di rumput. waktu masih kecil, adegan kejar-kejarannya kayak lamaaaa banget. bikin capek pas nonton.

3. adegan T-Rex ngintip. oke, intipan pertama waktu ada tiga orang di dalam bis. itu itungannya udah serem. tapi yang paling epic buat saya adalah intipan kedua: T-Rex ngintip kamarnya anak kecil. adegan ini sukses bikin saya nggak berani buka tirai jendela kamar waktu malam. yang saya bayangin cuma mata T-Rex yang tiba-tiba nongol. selama sebulan saya percaya kalo T-Rex itu bakal beneran ada dan keliaran. kiamat banget, pikir saya waktu itu.

terima kasih, Jurassic Park. sampai sekarang, mungkin ini film yang paling sukses nakutin saya dibandingin film apapun. Conjuring kalah. :')

belum,

Tuhan,

terima kasih. suara itu Kau datangkan dari mana saja, ya, ternyata.

yakinkan aku,

untuk tidak menyerah kali ini.

karena ternyata aku belum mau.

:')

that's one thing I would never...

I hope my smile
can distract you
I hope my fists
can fight for two
So it never has to show
And you’ll never know

I hope my love
can blind you
I hope my arms
can bind you
So you’ll never have to see
What we’ve grown to be

One may think
we’re alright
But we need pills
to sleep at night
We need lies
to make it through the day
We’re not ok

One may think
we’re doing fine
But if I had to lay it on the line
We’re losing ground
with every passing day
We’re not ok

But that’s one thing
I would never
One thing I would never
That’s one thing
I would never say to you

(Pills - The Perishers)



I do hope that this is just a phase. But I'm not sure about anything.