walk the talk

it is easy when you and your friend talk about how you imagine your future will be. you may have this big picture in your head about where you see yourself in the next 5 years. maybe you're planning to study in UK while your best friend think about study in Japan or work in Netherland. then, in the next 5 years all of you have this little family and a great life.

but, have you ever tried to walk the talk?

i'm facing it now. this is pretty scary, actually, and not as easy as the talk. i know that in a couple of months, i and my best friends are gonna go in different paths. take our own journey, walk our own line, living our own dream. it scares me to think that maybe i'm gonna be all alone along the journey. without my best friends -- those i'm imagining my future with.

to be honest, i've been too long in this comfort zone: feeling safe around them, taking less risk, playing an easy game, and not taking myself seriously because i know i'm gonna be okay as long as they're with me. now that farewell is inevitable and coming closer as i count down the days, i have to be ready when the time is coming for me to stand on my own feet.

just like they said: to make your dreams come true, you have to wake up.

that's one thing I would never...

I hope my smile
can distract you
I hope my fists
can fight for two
So it never has to show
And you’ll never know

I hope my love
can blind you
I hope my arms
can bind you
So you’ll never have to see
What we’ve grown to be

One may think
we’re alright
But we need pills
to sleep at night
We need lies
to make it through the day
We’re not ok

One may think
we’re doing fine
But if I had to lay it on the line
We’re losing ground
with every passing day
We’re not ok

But that’s one thing
I would never
One thing I would never
That’s one thing
I would never say to you

(Pills - The Perishers)



I do hope that this is just a phase. But I'm not sure about anything.

hidup saya

Yang punya nyawa memang bukan saya, itu punya Tuhan saya. Tapi, yang menjalani hidup yang dikasih oleh Beliau, itu saya kan? Saya punya standar-standar dan target-target yang saya pasang sendiri. Orang-orang nggak boleh ngasih tau saya apa yang harus saya lakukan, apalagi menetapkan standar hidup untuk saya, mengatur target saya, atau menyuruh saya untuk ikut-ikutan kemauannya orang.

Keputusan-keputusan kecil yang mungkin mempengaruhi hidup saya pribadi, harus saya yang ambil. Apalagi keputusan besar yang mungkin bakal mempengaruhi hidup saya sampai akhir hayat. Mungkin saya terlihat egois, tapi saya nggak mau menyesal di kemudian hari karena keputusan orang lain, kemudian cuma bisa menyalahkan diri sendiri.

take a chance, take a risk

Hidup itu selalu urusan ambil kesempatan atau nggak. Nggak ambil kesempatan, berarti kita melewatkan sesuatu yang mungkin berharga buat kita. Melewatkan sesuatu yang mungkin nggak akan kita dapatkan untuk kedua kalinya. Petir nggak akan nyambar di tempat yang sama dua kali, kata orang bijak, dan itu yang mungkin bakal terjadi sama kita.

Sebaliknya, kalau kita menngambil sebuah kesempatan, berarti kita udah siap mengambil segala sesuatu yang datang bersamanya, termasuk resiko. Yap. Selalu ada resiko yang menghantui setiap kesempatan yang kita ambil. Resikonya bisa aja tinggi, bisa juga rendah, tergantung sebesar apa kesempatan yang mau diambil. Everything has a price.

Selama ini, kalau boleh jujur, saya sering banget melewatkan kesempatan yang muncul di hadapan saya. Saya lebih memilih untuk bermain aman, dan kadang saya merasa hari-hari saya ya begitu-begitu saja. Oke, saya bisa lulus SD, SMP, SMA, dan kuliah tepat waktu. Nggak ada yang melenceng. Semua sesuai jadwal. Semua seperti yang direncanakan. Tapi saya harus jujur, terutama waktu kuliah, banyak yang saya lewatkan demi "sesuai dengan rencana". Saya baru merasa menyesal sekarang. Gara-gara saya terlalu berpikir lurus, saya melewatkan jalan berkelok yang mungkin pemandangannya lebih indah.

Saya bukannya nggak suka bermain aman. Bermain aman toh, setidaknya yang merasa tidak puas cuma saya. Harapan orang lain terhadap saya bisa tercapai, dan kadang hal itu juga cukup menyenangkan. Tapi selalu, ada pikiran yang menantang saya untuk mengambil kesempatan dan resiko yang lain, supaya saya bisa belajar hal-hal baru.

Yang saya coba bilang, saya nggak pingin beberapa tahun kemudian, saya termenung dan menyesali apa yang saya lakukan, atau apa yang tidak saya lakukan.

after several years.

well, my mum and dad were just having their 25th wedding anniversary last month. 25 years is a proof that something is worth to walk. thanks mum, thanks dad. and today, i found a song from fun. titled The Gambler.

Slow down,
we've got time left to be lazy
All the kids have bloomed from babies into flowers in our eyes.
We've got 50 good years left to spend out in the garden
I don't care to beg your pardon,
We should live until we die.

We were barely 18 when we'd crossed collective hearts.
It was cold, but it got warm when you'd barely crossed my eye.
and then you turned, put out your hand,
and you asked me to dance.
I knew nothing of romance, but it was love at second sight.

I swear when I grow up, I won't just buy you a rose.
I will buy the flower shop, and you will never be lonely.
Even if the sun stops waking up over the fields
I will not leave, I will not leave 'till it's our time.
So just take my hand, you know that I will never leave your side.

It was the winter of '86, and all the fields had frozen over.
So we moved to Arizona to save our only son
and now he's turning to a man, although he thinks just like his mother,
he believes we're all just lovers he sees hope in everyone.

And even though she moved away,
we always get calls from our daughter.
She has eyes just like her father's
they are blue when skies are grey
And just like him, she never stops,
Never takes the day for granted,
works for everything that's handed to her,
Never once complains.

You think that I nearly lost you
When the doctors tried to take you away.
But like the night you took my hand beside the fire
30 years ago to this day
You swore you'd be here 'til we decide that it's our time
Well it's not time, you've never quit in all your life.
So just take my hand, you know that I'll never leave your side.
You're the love of my life, you know that I'll never leave your side.

You come home from work and you kiss me on the eye
You curse the dogs and say that I should never feed them what is ours
and the kids are coming home
I'll set the table
You can make the fire.

Fun - The Gambler

Ain't it sweet? Marriage is much alike a gambling, you have to play your cards and take all the risk. I wish I'll play this game.

dadar gulung

demi lima dadar gulung, kamu rela balik ke kampus.
itu satu dari sekian hal termanis.
dan lima dadar gulung itu pun jadi tambah manis. :)

berubah.

orang bijak jaman dulu bilang, satu hal yang tetap adalah perubahan, dan sejak kecil saya tau kalo semua orang pasti bakal berubah.

nah, belakangan ini, saya mulai banyak bertanya sama diri saya sendiri. sudahkah saya berubah? seberapa jauh?

cerita di balik pertanyaan ini adalah ketika saya melihat orang-orang di sekitar saya jadi orang yang berbeda, meskipun nggak semuanya. yang dulunya ceria, jadi lebih pendiam dan pemikir. yang dulu gayanya cuek, sekarang jadi terikut arus. yang dulunya pede sama tubuhnya, jadi super nggak pede. dari yang dulu nggak suka dandan, sekarang jadi concern banget sama yang namanya make-up. masih banyak lah cerita before-after yang saya amati belakangan ini.

saya senang kalau mereka berubah jadi orang yang lebih baik. tapi, bersamaan dengan perubahan itu, they've lost some parts of themselves. udah bukan orang yang sama lagi. less special. lagi-lagi, nggak semuanya kayak gitu.

jadi saya mikir lagi. what is the right thing to do? following the common sense about "the standards of appearance and attitude" or following your own common sense, which is more special, but (may be) less attractive for people?

it's about time!

stolen spotlight

have you ever felt like there's no place for you in the spotlight? when everything is just not for you? I have been there, and that's my bad. sorry for not being that attractive.


but you know what? there's nothing bad for being in the shadow. for me, that means a million times better place to do whatever I want, reach my dreams, and find my own way.





well, I'm just saying..

should I?

kadang itu yaaa.. saya suka bingung mau ngobrol sama orang atau ndak. apalagi kalo orang yang pingin saya ajak ngobrol itu, orang yang saya rasa pernah saya sakiti. rasa bersalahnya itu yang bikin ngerasa nggak enak banget. mau ngobrol apa ya??


so here I am, just staring at your name, thinking a million times hoping you'll start that chatting bar. or just being offline. cheerio!!

shut your mouth if you can't say one right thing

anything could happen from this thing. your mouth is your biggest weapon. you can cure or hurt someone in the same time. and i'm really sorry for that.

Some space?

Yeah. I know I need some space and this is the perfect time.

So, call me when you need to talk.
But if I don't answer, don't get me wrong. It's just because of me. Not you.

Dream A Little Dream

Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "i love you"
Birds singin’ in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me

Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you’ll miss me
While I’m alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me

Stars fading but I linger on dear
Still craving your kiss
I’m longin’ to linger till dawn dear
Just saying this

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me

Stars shining up above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "i love you"
Birds singin’ in the sycamore trees
Dream a little dream of me

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me

first love

Ini gara-gara dengerin lagunya Nikka Costa beberapa hari yang lalu. Saya jadi teringat-ingat masa SMA, bahkan SMP. Dan beberapa hari yang lalu, saya memimpikan "dia" yang sempat saya pikir adalah cinta pertama saya. Dia orang yang baik sebenarnya, cuma mungkin dia "wrong man in the wrong time", atau justru saya yang "wrong girl in the wrong place & time". Dia bisa saja jadi cinta pertama saya, tapi sepertinya dia adalah masalah pertama saya. :)

Nah nah.. Do I believe in first love? Nggak tau juga. Beranikah saya bilang bahwa "dia" itu cinta pertama saya? Nggak juga. Buat saya, istilah cinta itu terlalu absurd. Dari mana kita tahu itu yang pertama? Bahkan, apa mungkin kita akan mendapatkan yang terakhir?

Everyone can see
There's a change in me
They all say I'm not the same
Kid I used to be

Don't go out and play
I'll just dream all day
They don't know what's wrong with me
And I'm too shy to say

It's my first love
What I'm dreaming of
When I go to bed
When I lay my head upon my pillow
Don't know what to do

My First love
He thinks that I'm too young
He doesn't even know
Wish that I could show him what I'm feeling
Cause I'm feeling my first love

Mirror on the wall
Does he care at all
Will he ever notice me
Could he ever fall

Tell me Teddy Bear
Why love is so unfair?
Will I ever find a way
And answer to my pray

For my first love,
What I'm dreaming of
When I go to bed
When I lay my head upon my pillow
Don't know what to do

My first love

He thinks that I'm too young
He doesn't even know
Wish that I could show him what I'm feeling
Cause I'm feeling my first love

My first love.......

But I'm all over it! Saya sedang menjalani hari-hari saya bersama seorang laki-laki baik hati yang nggak memperdulikan hancurnya wajah saya atau parahnya mood saya. He might not be the first, and I don't know whether he will be the last one. The only thing I know, I'm very happy right now.

you'll always have a home

Hari ini, 3 teman saya/ sahabat saya/ saudara saya berangkat ke Belanda untuk menapak mimpi mereka. Tiga tahun yang lalu, saya dan mereka bahkan belum pernah kenal satu sama lain. Tapi, di satu titik di dunia ini, kami bertemu di kampus Arsitektur.

Tiga tahun, kawan. Bukan waktu yang singkat untuk sebuah persahabatan. Tapi terlalu singkat untuk bersenang-senang bersama. :')

Bangga saya untuk kalian. Bahagia saya untuk kalian. Salut saya untuk kalian.

Oh God. They ARE my soul.

Biarkan saya mellow atas perpisahan ini. Saya tahu, bakal ada titik lain yang akan mempertemukan kita.

You know what??

Not only a friend. You'll always have a home here.

puasa!

yeyy!!

besok mulai bulan Ramadhan!

keharuan tiba-tiba datang menyeruak.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Semoga Ramadhan ini membawa banyak manfaat.

:)

numb

Words we had said
Grew in my head
Colored I thought
Send me to bed

Lost memories
Grew into trees
Cover the doors
Swallow the cure

Winters have come and gone you know
Winters have come and gone you know
But I'll miss you young and free
For a dance round the memory tree

Said I forgot
But I did not
Dreams we have had
Play in my head

Did we believe,
The cry of the wind?
Did we regret?
Would we forget?

Winters have come and gone you know
Winters have come and gone you know
But I'll miss you young and sweet
For a dance round the memory tree

[Oren Lavie - A Dance Round The Memory Tree]